Sunday, April 09, 2006

Mrs. Mills on the subject of men and blowing noses

Mrs. Mills (of The Times) constantly astounds me with the breadth of her knowledge. The following is an example of her extraordinary knowledge.

The dilemma:

I am horrified with the way my husband blows his nose. He produces a shredded tissue from his pocket and, holding it with both hands, brings it to his nose. He then proceeds to make a thunderous sound that always makes me jump and squirm with embarrassment if we are in public. I’ve tried to deter him by saying it is bad for the capillaries in his nose, but this doesn’t work.
The carefully researched response:

Many men think that extravagant sneezing and nasal clearing are a measure of their virility. And, bizarrely, in my (admittedly limited) experience, this turns out to be true. You don’t say whether your husband is a veritable stallion or not, but wouldn’t you prefer the rest of the world to think he is? The use of a tissue is a different question entirely, belonging to matters of social class. Paper tissues are used by the lower classes, the prissier element of the middle classes, hygiene freaks and those of the upper classes who couldn’t care less. The proper thing is a generously sized linen handkerchief.
So gentlemen.....honk loudly and proudly!

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