Tuesday, December 11, 2007

I have seen the enemy and he is in Circuit City

Not that I would know fuck all about it, but Gun Counter Gomer has decided, in the interest of the safety of all you holiday season shoppers, to provide a survival primer for the credit card wielding masses running the combat gauntlet of the "shopping mall".
You should never have to shop in fear, but yesterday's senseless murders at an Omaha, Nebraska mall remind us that violence can happen almost anywhere. Because it can, it isn't a bad idea to have an exit strategy in the back of your mind.
Well now, look. I always shop in fear, and it has nothing to do with some wiener with a .308. But it's worth reading Gomer's "exit strategy" and the comments, led by Uncle Jimbo (presumably from Blackfive) will make you moist with arousal normally only ever experienced at the entrance to the food court.

There are those who seem to disapprove of Gomer's field tested tactics. He did, after all, learn them on a used car lot. That he presented this simple approach to Shopping Mall Combat Defense without burdening the reader with the complexities of "point of disappearance" or the John Derbyshire full frontal assault simply demonstrates his skillz.

I do, however, feel he has left something out. Just a minor thing actually.

In the event that you find yourself in a shopping mall turned combat zone, (Happens all the time. What rock have you been living under?!), reach into your pocket, pull out that small device you always carry, flip it open and press 9-1-1. From there, you're on your own.

I know. It's my reckless abandon. What can I say?

If you need to practice, (And you should! You never know who's carrying an AK-47 in a shopping mall.), you can always turn in the little gray-haired lady letting her Yorkshire Terrier piss on the multitude of indoor tropical plants down the mall walkways.

Or you can stay home.

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