Saturday, November 18, 2006

Bravo Mrs. Mills, Bravo

Dear Mrs. Mills

I have a wonderful wife, but some time ago, I was stupid enough to have an affair. Within days, I realised my mistake. I therefore did the sensible thing and moved back in with my wife. This all happened about seven years ago, but she brings up the subject every day, and always refers to my lapse whenever I try to initiate any form of sexual activity. How can I expunge this episode from her memory so we can return to the days of rampant sex that we enjoyed when we were first married?
MWP, Surrey

Your wife appears in many ways to be a saint, but, unfortunately for you, one of those ways seems to be a vow of chastity. Try total abasement, as similar ascetic trials on your part might soften her attitude. I’m not suggesting you should live naked in a desert cave for three months, but certainly try cleaning the kitchen floor with a toothbrush, vacuuming the underside of the carpets, taking the entire contents of her wardrobe to the dry cleaners (and collecting it) and leaving your credit card behind the counter of her favourite shoe shop. Oh, and buy her flowers. Daily.

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