Friday, December 16, 2005

Occupant: 1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW, Washington DC

Dear Elected One, (Assuming that is how you achieved office)

In that I am not a citizen of your country, but an all-the-while interested observer of US politics, I felt it my responsibility to offer some guidance as to your duties and responsibilities. (You seem to be confused). I will attempt to refrain from making subjective observations and instead, try to restrict my guidance to those documents, letters patent, terms of reference and any pertinent paper napkin musings which may clarify your expected performance for the remainder of your appointment.

I know I speak a different dialect of English than you. Please excuse the difference in our education. I tend to place the letter "U" where you think it unnecessary. Ignore it; it is of no particular importance. Likewise, I do understand your use of "y'all" when addressing someone and "all y'all" when addressing a group. But I digress.

Your first term of reference is the oath (or affirmation) which you swore (or affirmed), as per Article II, Section 1 of the US Constitution. As you can see:

I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my Ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States

This is directly extracted from the Constitution. Note that nowhere, does it say, "So Help Me God." I know you said it, as did others preceding you, but it's not necessary. According to my research, the only higher power you answer to is the people who managed to successfully operate the voting machines. In fact, you didn't even have to put your hand on the Bible. You could have used, say, the Looney Spoons Cookbook, or nothing at all.

Notice that the oath says you are required to preserve, protect and defend: The Constitution of the United States. Wow. It turns out that it is not just some "goddamned piece of paper". It's your job! Now, I know for the past four years you've been using the line, "It's my job to protect the American people... my primary job." Not according to your terms of reference. In fact, the American people are more than capable of protecting themselves (and you). Look at what they did WITHOUT a president.

You may not declare war on anybody. You can ask, but you can't just do it without permission. If you need another war, you have to ask Congress, in accordance with Article I, Section 8 of the Constitution. Don't let that worry you though, because YOU get to be in charge of the army and the navy, (there is no mention of the air force) as Commander-in-Chief.

About the Commander-in-Chief thing. Article II, Section 2 of the Constitution makes you the C-in-C. Be aware that it is the lesser of offices when compared to President of the United States. I notice you call yourself Commander-in-Chief a lot. That's nice, but then people might think someone else is the President... like your deputy. Since your deputy's oath includes the phrase "against all enemies, foreign and domestic" and doesn't include "protect" in reference to the Constitution, he doesn't have as high a calling as you, but he is looking for enemies. Beware the deputy.

You may make treaties with other countries, international organizations, and anyone else who tickles your fancy. The Constitution says so in Article II, Section 2. You do, however require two-thirds of the Senators to concur. (That's roughly 66 of them). It also goes that in order to dispense with a treaty, you pretty much have to go through the same process. Beware of minor deputies suggesting that a modern paradigm has rendered treaty conventions "quaint". Minor deputies are stupid people. You are the intelligent one. That's why THEY are reading the newspapers to YOU.

You should refrain from spying on your fellow citizens. (You are still a citizen, even though you may feel more important and make more money than most of them). I know sometimes you really feel like it, but there's that pesky Constitution again. Yep, the 4th Amendment. You can ask Congress to pass a law that allows spying, but you can't violate the Constitution. I have sent you a small blackboard and some "freedom" chalk, (British, not French). Write, "I will not spy on my fellow citizens without a warrant" 100 times. That will help you remember.

You MAY spy on embassies, foreign diplomats, tourists, etc. That should mitigate the fun you don't get to have spying on Americans. You can plant bugs in the Canadian embassy, for example. By the way, Tim Horton's is a Canadian phenomenom. It has pretty good doughnuts and great coffee. I know the CIA is going to tell you it is a hockey player. That's OLD intelligence. Don't use it. We all know where faulty intelligence gets you. Ignore the Tim Horton's outlets that are appearing in New England. They are of no consequence. Anyway, Wendy's actually owns Tim Horton's and we have Wendy's here. So, we're not really trying to take over New England. Wendy's is.

I know this has been a bit dry, but hang in there. I know you can do it. And oh, that ambassador you sent? That's why I feel you need counsel from outside your borders. You are getting some really crappy advice at home.

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