Wednesday, July 29, 2009

TASER™ media template

As reports of gratuitous TASER™ abuse by police pile up daily, here at The Beav we are pleased to provide this handy template to the media for all future TASER™ stories :
Officers who used a Taser on a ___ in a ___ found out only later he was ____ and didn't understand ____, police said Tuesday.
A spokesman for the Police Department said the officers' actions were justified
because the man was armed with a potential weapon -- a ____

In this story the blanks featured "man", "store bathroom where he worked", "deaf and mentally disabled", "what they wanted him to do" and "umbrella".

Previous options have included :
Blank A : new immigrant, young woman, 83 year old man, fare dodger, handcuffed child.
Blank B : airport, wedding party, hospital bed, Skytrain, jail cell
Blank C : distraught, pregnant, ill with pneumonia, mentally disabled, terrified
Blank D : English, what was being asked of them, ditto, ditto, ditto
Blank E : stapler, nothing, 3" knife, nothing, nothing.

There is apparently almost no situation that can't be further fucked up by a little escalation of farce.
At Taser International's annual bunfest this month, CEO Rick Smith explained:
"We are the new technology – it's splashy because of the electricity, you can make it scary."
Spaceman Spiff couldn't have put it any better.

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