Jonah Goldberg Knows Canada Is A Threat To Bush

Jonah Goldberg was on CNN's Reliable Sources this Sunday and he was armed with what would appear to be the latest White House leak: The US has plans to attack Canada.

Well, that caused Steve Young to sit up with a start. (bold emphasis mine)

In attempting to provide trivial business as usual cover, Lucianne's son, looking more and more like mom, said that the U.S. has developed plans to attack Canada. Amazingly, it was not meant as a joke, as he said he reiterated that he "knew they have plans." That host Howard Kurtz let that one fly by without an intercepting followup deserves a followup itself.

Perhaps it was a White House or Pentagon-inspired leak meant as a first salvo to warn Canada to keep Universal Healthcare north of the border. Maybe Canada has looked into purchasing back-bacon yellowcake or their Zamboni-delivery systems are ready to release "Hockey Night in Canada" onto ESPN.

Now, it's really difficult to take anything Goldberg says with any seriousness. Young Jonah is... well, as Steve says, inane. Actually, that's not accurate. Goldberg's commentary is about as crisp as an underdone french fry. (Freedom fry for those of you still displaying Bush/Cheney 04 bumper stickers.)

But if it's not a leak, it means Goldberg was trying to put this piece of history up as something Canadians need to be aware of, and Americans can start slathering over. Known as War Plan Red, it was drawn up in 1925 and withdrawn in 1939. It was subsequently declassified in 1974. You can get copies of it for 15 cents a page. (18 cents Canadian.) Unfortunately, Goldberg failed to mention that Canada had a plan to invade the US before the US plan got to the printer. Unlike the US, we actually did a reconaissance. We had the forethought to destroy ours when it was withdrawn in 1928, thus all secret stuff is still, well, secret.

So, what if it really IS a leak? What if Rumsfeld and some of his more astute planners actually DID come up with a plan?

Well, I wonder if they've considered the following:

We have hidden our capital city. Everyone thinks it's Ottawa, including Stephen Harper. In fact, the Capital of Canada is here. We kept it in Ontario, which is bigger than Texas and Alaska. We have an alternate capital here. Notice... it's a "fort". And don't let the "Olympian" worry you. He only commands a battalion of speed skaters.

Remember to attack Churchill. So many other countries forget that town. Even the Fenians screwed that up, missed it, and ended up getting booted back to Philadelphia. (Sorry. We didn't mean to make life quite that miserable. It was so un-Canadian.) However, since the Fenians were the original Irish Republican Army, you have to understand that we Canadians are used to dealing with a pretty rough crowd.

I know that the US military is a well prepared organization. However, you might want to keep in mind that, when you enter Winnipeg, aside from the people in toques, you'll have to deal with these. That's not the air force. It's a part of the landscape. Bring your deet. Our air force looks like this.

I know I shouldn't be offering up our secret weapons, but honestly, do you really believe the 101st Airborne Division will be able to go on when they know this is available? Understand, these are everywhere.

A couple of other things you should know. We own the Easter Bunny. As proof, I offer the World's largest Easter egg. Messing with the Easter Bunny will get you striken off the "Rapture List" plus cause Bill O'Reilly to turn purple. (OK. More purple than he already is.)

Of course, if you come in through Wawa, you have to deal with these. Understand that all geese in Canada are that big.

I don't know Jonah. I don't want to be the one calling you a liar, but, well, it doesn't look good.

Tell you what. You tell us all about the secret you think you have! Please, please! Finish eating your paste! We'll wait. Take your time.

In the meantime, we'll take a look at how things are going in the last country your hero attacked.

Graphic thanks to Weekly Canard