Disorder in the Court

THIS MORNING, I RECEIVED an e-mail that had some oldies but goodies, from a book allegedly  called "Disorder in the Court". As it happened, I had been thinking about one of 'em, and voila! — there it was in my inbox. I decided to search, and yes, the book really does exist: "Disorder in the Court: Great Fractured Moments in Courtroom History", by Charles M. Sevilla.

I'm sure you may have seen them before, but what the hell . . . .

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until  the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

Is there a cash award with that?

Sit down. Please. Just sit down.

Now read this.

Alberto Gonzales spent much of 2007 fighting in vain his ouster as US attorney general, but that has earned him a consolation prize: a top law magazine named him on Wednesday its "Lawyer of the Year."

US President George W. Bush's longtime personal legal council and, from February 2005 to September 2007, the nation's top justice official, Gonzales was the year's legal headliner, according to ABA Journal, the magazine of the American Bar Association.

But that was, according to ABA Journal editor Edward Adams, mainly due to his central role in scandals over the Bush administration's secret warrantless wiretap program, its legal justifications for rough interrogation of "war on terror" detainees that critics said permitted torture, and an alleged effort to fire at least eight US attorneys for political reasons.

"George W. Bush appeared to be grooming the man he affectionately calls 'Fredo' for the US Supreme Court," the magazine wrote.

"But after Gonzales appeared veracity-challenged when testifying before the Senate Judiciary Committee, he resigned in August," it said, referring to hearings into the US attorneys firing scandal.

The magazine also cited Gonzales's role as White House counsel and then attorney general in "what now appears to have been a stealth campaign to reinstate pre-Watergate presidential authority."

"His determination to do so is epitomized in a now-infamous hospital-room meeting with an incapacitated John Ashcroft (Gonzales's predecessor as attorney general) in an unsuccessful effort to gain approval for a secret wiretapping program.

"The highlight: Ashcroft's wife sticking her tongue out at Gonzales and his entourage as they retreated from Ashcroft's bedside."

"We selected the Lawyer of the Year based on who was the most newsworthy lawyer," Adams told AFP, refusing to assess what Gonzales' impact was. "Clearly he was influential, there can be no doubt about that."

We're not done yet.

But among those named as runners-up is David Addington, a top aide of Vice President Dick Cheney who is also credited in the drive to increase the president's executive powers.

"Addington shares his boss's belief that the president should have unlimited powers in time of war -- and should have carte blanche in dealing with the thorny issues of torture, secret detention and warrantless eavesdropping," it said.

A Gonzales assistant deeply involved in the sacked prosecutors scandal, Monica Goodling, also earned a runner-up nod for her "overly zealous and questionably legal actions" that led to her resignation and then Gonzales's.

Other runners-up included both Cheney aide Lewis "Scooter" Libby and Patrick Fitzgerald, who prosecuted Libby for perjury in the case over the outing of a CIA agent.

And without even the benefit of a New Year's Eve party the ABA has picked next year's lawyer of the year.

The magazine also took the uncommon step of naming its Lawyer of the Year for 2008, 12 months ahead of time: Michael Mukasey, Gonzales's replacement.

Adams said there was little doubt Mukasey would spend much of the year wrestling with the large legal issues Gonzales left behind -- like those on torture and domestic spying.

What is it with these guys? Did they suddenly decide there was a shortage of lawyer jokes out there?