Mrs. Mills on that noisy mattress

Well, not her. But one of her correspondents seeking advice.

My girlfriend and I work hard and look forward to a good night’s sleep. However, our neighbours, with whom we maintain a polite live-and-let-live relationship, are night owls. Their nocturnal activities can be heard through our bedroom wall, and while I would never begrudge anyone a bit of passion, I do not believe it should necessarily be expressed at such a high volume and in the small hours of the morning. How would I go about informing them without causing embarrassment and coming across as a terrible prude?

Funny. As I was reading this one it came to mind that the writer might want to show up at the neighbours' with a video camera and an offer to share the royalties.

If you can hear them, they can hear you. So you could try putting them off: every time the telltale rhythmic twang of a mattress under stress starts up, laugh loudly, or (for an even more unnerving effect) bark. However, if you find this only encourages their efforts, then I’m afraid you are living next door to perverts. Still, all is not lost. See if they will allow you to pop round with a video camera, as making a bit of money through posting their energetic couplings on the internet might help in paying off your student loan.

Imagine that.

More Mrs. Mills at the TimesOnline.