The Canadian "anti-American melodrama" doc dump

WikiLeaks delivers a four page cable from the American Embassy in Ottawa in 2008 analyzing the increase in "anti-American melodrama" on Canada's "state-owned" television.

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Lols.

*ring* ... *ring* ...

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"Yeah. Special Agent Joe here."

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"Hey Joe, you finished that report on the changing dynamic of Canada-US relations yet?"

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"Just about."

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"Just about? It's been six months already and I'm looking at your $20,000 room service bill here. Wtf's going on up there?"

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"It's complicated, sir. Things are at a very delicate stage. Did you know there's a CIA plot to secretly divert Canadian water to the southwest?"

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"Well, former US ambassador to Canada Paul Cellucci mentioned it once - something about aquaducts - but I don't think it went anywhere."

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"Tell that to the state-owned television station up here. In just the last three weeks a Syrian terrorist with a belt full of explosives was taken off a plane but unfortunately it was the Canadian-Syrian man sitting next to him who was rendered by CSIS and the CIA to Syria."

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"I haven't heard anything about .... Are you sure about this?"

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"Oh yes, sir, I read about it in the National Post."

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"Good God."

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"Then one of our rendition aircraft with three terrorist suspects on the "Guantanamo to Syria express" crashed in Quebec and the terrorists escaped. Luckily an arrogant, albeit stunningly attractive female Homeland Security officer, sort of a cross between Salma Hayek and Cruella DeVil, has arrived to sort it out."

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"Have you made contact with her yet?"

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"Not exactly, sir. She hasn't returned my calls. Her agent was quite rude to me actually and he isn't even a special agent."

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"Be careful, Joe. We don't want to start up any interdepartmental turf wars. Is there anything else you need?"

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"Another television would be a big help, sir. Sometimes reruns of The Border come on in the afternoon at the same time as Little Mosque on the Prairie and I can't keep up."

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"Of course. Whatever you need. After all, it's a matter of national security."

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OK, you know what really is funny? The original report from the US Embassy in Ottawa, complete with Selma Hayek/Cruella DeVil references, although as Holly Stick pointed out in comments at Creekside, Special Agent Joe appears to have completely missed that the star of H2O had previously infiltrated the US disguised as a mountie. Maybe if he gets that extra tv ...

Say, how's that 2010 North American security perimeter coming along?

Yet another article PR piece telling us how the Canada-US border can become 'wafer thin' again, if only we just agree to get inside the North American security perimeter ...

Canada warms to the idea of a tougher 'perimeter'
reads the Star headline while providing no evidence to support it.

Apparently, however, "the more knowledgeable watchers of the cross-border condition suggest Canadians are ready".
Like the director of the Canada Institute at the Woodrow Wilson Center in Washington, concern-trolling about Canada's pig-headed insistence on remaining Canada :

"Perimeter is no longer a dirty word. It's beginning to come up again, at least in academic circles," says David Biette

... whose 'academic circle' includes fellow University of Calgary academic advisor Robert Pastor, Vice Chair of the Council on Foreign Relations 2005 Task Force on the Future of North America:

"The Task Force's central recommendation is establishment by 2010 of a North American economic and security community, the boundaries of which would be defined by a common external tariff and an outer security perimeter."

Back to Biette in The Star :

"Canada has done so well by NAFTA and we are seeing the emergence of a new generation of more confident, culturally secure Canadians. The old Toronto nationalists of the 1960s were essential to building the idea of a postmodern Canada, but now they're starting to die off."

Nice.

Former US ambassador to Canada Gordon Giffin, whose "one security perimeter" proposal met with a very chilly reception in Canada in 1999, also gets trotted out :

"Those old Canadian worries now sound soooo 20th-century, says Giffin.
"Those old cultural arguments sound like dinosaur-speak today. The world just sort of passed them by," Giffin told the Star.

Whereas by comparison, the deep integration fans are just bristling with fun new ideas.
Here's David Biette in June 2006 :

"Being different from the United States for the sake of being different is irresponsible and an abdication of the national interest. Letting foreign policy be driven by public opinion (particularly when public opinion is an emotional reaction to whatever George W. Bush does) shows a lack of leadership. This was particularly evident in the debate over Canada’s potential participation in ballistic missile defence, something the government had requested before it let the public opinion tail wag the foreign policy dog. If the government changes policies at the whims of public opinion, how reliably will Canada be viewed?"

Let's have that one more time :

"Letting foreign policy be driven by public opinion shows a lack of leadership.
If the government changes policies at the whims of public opinion, how reliably will Canada be viewed?"

Ah, public opinion and all that democracy stuff. Sooooo '20th century'. Sooooo 'dinosaur-speak'.

I'm guessing a militarized NAFTA in the form of a North American security perimeter would be the end of all that whimmy Canadian public input nonsense.

Canada warms to the idea, indeed.

With thanks to West End Bob for the heads up.