Language . . .

PARAPROSDOKIAN SENTENCES: A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.

• If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
  
• I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  
• Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
  
• I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
  
• Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  
• The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
  
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  
• If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
  
• We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
  
• War does not determine who is right — only who is left.
  
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
  
• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.
  
• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
  
• I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  
• Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
  
• Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
  
• Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
  
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  
• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
  
• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
  
• Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
  
• Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
  
• There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
  
• You're never too old to learn something stupid.