You poke it; You own it.

As Birth Pangs points out, you simply cannot make this stuff up.

Ah, Virginia. The realm of registries.

First there was the sex offender registry. (A good thing.)

A couple of weeks ago, we got the dangerous dog registry. (A feeble thing.)

Now, lo and behold, we have the "I had sex with a woman!" registry. (A bizarre thing.)

In the blizzard of bills that buries Richmond every winter, many of us missed this one. Seems the General Assembly passed a law in 2006 creating a "Putative Father Registry," which was activated on July 1, 2007.

Putative? Does that mean "supposed" father? "Presumed" but not proven?

It allows a man who's had sex with a woman who's not his wife to record that erotic encounter. In case he wants to block an adoption in the future.

Yes, sir. If you've had ah, relations, with your girlfriend, your girlfriend's sister or a drunken one-night stand, you can go online and file a formal report with the state. Lotharios who aren't tech-savvy can mail in a record.

If the guy doesn't intend to hang around beyond "possibly" getting a woman pregnant, why would he assume he has the right to interfere with her decision nine months later?

I'm sorry. Right! He's a man. She's a slut.

The online instructions are cheery:

"You may register as many times as you like for each potential pregnancy or different child. If you have multiple relations with the same person or more than one female that you are involved with, you need to register for each."

Ahem! And then you go to the Virginia Department of Social Services Putative Father Registry site and find all kinds of interesting things.

Putative fathers must give a complete description of themselves and I mean everything. That's fine. And then they have to describe the woman they banged, thanked and left shared an evening of romance so tender and fulfilling that they knew they could never find that level of joy again, thus sadly ending an all too brief but life altering encounter.

They must also describe the woman completely, including her identity... (ready?)... if known.

I am not making this up. It's right there for you to read. There's even a place where the penis owner gets to guesstimate the approximate age of the woman (question 20 of the form)... whose identity he need not necessarily have ascertained.

Question 17 is intended to narrow down the date or dates when copulation occurred... according to the man.

And the woman's input into this? Nothing. They are, after all, women.... who fornicate.... and get what they deserve.... filthy sluts. Don't try to put that child up for adoption! We must protect the father.

And, if you try to secure an abortion, we already know who you are! The guy you lured into your evil female clutches has fingered you! (No pun intended, although it is good, isn't it?)

Is there such a registry for women in the State of Virginia? Are you kidding?!

Y'know... the lawmakers who write this kind of legislation need a hobby. Really. Try porn... (Oops! They already do that.) Take up knitting while riding a donkey. That way everyone will be able to identify the real ass.