Bush's asshole is starting to pucker

At least I'm not the only person on the planet who thinks that someone other than Bush wrote this. It just goes that someone who doesn't read newspapers probably doesn't write in them either... even if the Wall Street Journal does have a new look. (Yes, it carries less news but it now it looks more like one of these, which will of course "attract younger readers.") (All emphasis mine, except where Bush was pushing too hard on his crayon.)

Together, we have a chance to serve the American people by solving the complex problems that many don't expect us to tackle, let alone solve, in the partisan environment of today's Washington. To do that, however, we can't play politics as usual. Democrats will control the House and Senate, and therefore we share the responsibility for what we achieve.

Hmmm... everything that has gone wrong up to now is the fault of the Democrats and everything that goes on for the next two years will be the fault of the Democrats. If I'm reading that wrong, don't bother correcting me.

I am hopeful we can find common ground without compromising our principles.

Well, let's see. Illegal wiretaps; suspension of habeus corpus; dismissal of long standing treaties; lying your country into a war. Are those the principles you're talking about? I don't know, George. Perhaps you should take your right hand out of your pocket.

My principles are no secret. I have campaigned on them in my races for governor and in two presidential contests, and I have worked hard during my presidency to translate these principles into sound policy.

Because, no matter how hard you tried to prevent it, someone leaked it. I think you should raise your right hand.

I believe that when America is willing to use her influence abroad, the American people are safer and the world is more secure.

Most Iraqis and Afghanis would disagree.

Yet we must always remember that when people are hurting, they need a caring person, not a government bureaucracy.

You mean like, ahem, this guy? How many people did he say needed to be killed, anyway? So, what happens if the "caring person" turns out to be a complete asshole? Repeat after me, George. I do solemnly swear...

Our priorities begin with defeating the terrorists who killed thousands of innocent Americans on September 11, 2001--and who are working hard to attack us again. These terrorists are part of a broader extremist movement that is now doing everything it can to defeat us in Iraq.

Really?!! Does that mean the search for Osama bin Laden is back on? Are you sure the people trying to defeat you in Iraq aren't actually, you know, the people of Iraq? It just seems there's rather a lot of them. Funny how the "extremist movement" has grown since you came to office. Keep repeating after me, George. That the testimony given by me...

In the days ahead, I will be addressing our nation about a new strategy to help the Iraqi people gain control of the security situation and hasten the day when the Iraqi government gains full control over its affairs. Ultimately, Iraqis must resolve the most pressing issues facing them. We can't do it for them.

But you sure did it to them! ... shall be the truth...

Because revenues have grown and we've done a better job of holding the line on domestic spending, we met our goal of cutting the deficit in half three years ahead of schedule. By continuing these policies, we can balance the federal budget by 2012 while funding our priorities and making the tax cuts permanent. In early February, I will submit a budget that does exactly that. The bottom line is tax relief and spending restraint are good for the American worker, good for the American taxpayer, and good for the federal budget. Now is not the time to raise taxes on the American people.
By balancing the budget through pro-growth economic policies and spending restraint, we are better positioned to tackle the longer term fiscal challenge facing our country: reforming entitlements--Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid--so future generations can benefit from these vital programs without bankrupting our country.

Alrighty then! First off, you were handed a budget surplus of $230 billion when you took office -- by Bill Clinton. Where'd that go, George? Second off, about bankrupting the country. ... the whole truth...

One important message I took away from the election is that people want to end the secretive process by which Washington insiders are able to slip into legislation billions of dollars of pork-barrel projects that have never been reviewed or voted on by Congress. I'm glad Senator Robert Byrd and Congressman Dave Obey--the Democrats who will lead the appropriations process in the new Congress--heard that message, too...

I guess they did hear it. They sent it!

Our Founders believed in the wisdom of the American people to choose their leaders and provided for the concept of divided and effective government. The majority party in Congress gets to pass the bills it wants. The minority party, especially where the margins are close, has a strong say in the form bills take. And the Constitution leaves it to the president to use his judgment whether they should be signed into law.

Wow. You finally cracked that 6th grade civics textbook. That reference to the Constitution is cool though. Where'd you find that? ... and nothing but the truth...

We can show the American people that Republicans and Democrats can come together to find ways to help make America a more secure, prosperous and hopeful society. And we will show our enemies that the open debate they believe is a fatal weakness is the great strength that has allowed democracies to flourish and succeed.

Because you've always been so open to debate. ... So help me, The Grand Kahuna.

Let them say of these next two years: We used our time well.

Now, there's a capital idea. And, for some reason, the trial of Saddam Hussein came to mind. Just the fairness of it, that's all. The fact that, despite what we all might have felt, we knew it was a sham. So, in the interest of using time well, I suggest we not waste it on the unnecessary. I recall a common joke from my days in the service when a defaulter was being provided a fair trial:

March the guilty bastard in!