Please. Don't even attempt to apologize for being such an idiot. We like you that way.

It's not that Bill O'Reilly wannabe, Jules Crittenden is an American that makes him so repulsive. It's that he's a remarkable ass-hat.

His recent columns attacking any nation he doesn't believe is properly supporting his Dear Leader are so ridiculous that comment is difficult between the gales of laughter. While focusing on Europe in general and Canada particularly, he might be reminded that he, well, missed a few. He might also be reminded that the Coalition of the Willing (as long as they received cash for their cooperation) is kind of, well, you know, shrinking.

In this column he opines that the weight of the Great Struggle against the Islamofascists is not being shouldered to the proper degree by Europe and, ahem, Canada.

Islamic extremists are ascendant among the world's 1 billion Muslims thanks to their successes, which are nothing more than our failures. American voters, whether they realize it or not, have chosen the path of Europe, of Canada - wealthy, smug democracies that profess concern for the oppressed but will do little for them, little even in their own defense.

That's one of those, "Stop right there" moments which brought a shit-storm of rage from Canadians who were all too willing to stuff Crittenden's face into a Boots On The Ground poster stapled up on The T.

I wouldn't have bothered. Crittenden is supposed to be the city editor of the Boston Herald. One would expect at least a bit of research from a person in that position before engaging in a rant like that. But then, I am reminded of O'Reilly.

Crittenden attempted to make amends with another column only to demonstrate that he should probably have the dosage of his medication checked. If it doesn't survive through one article, it's not strong enough.

Whatever I thought about their government's attitude toward Iraq, and the insults that were leveled at our president, Canadian soldiers have been fighting and dying in Afghanistan.

I would like to commend and thank the Canadians and others for what they are doing in Afghanistan, and to express my respect for their sacrifices.

Since that's not really an apology it is easy to point out that in lieu of research, Crittenden allowed letters and comments to fill in his missing information. Ass-hats do that. And, yes, we're in Afghanistan - still. Jeebus H. Christ on a popsicle-stick, that's way longer than what was in the plan. (Oh yeah... sorry. There was no plan. Silly me.)

And, what insults? Do you mean this? Francois Ducros may have lost her job over it but, well, she was a woman of some considerable vision. Now everyone is calling Crittenden's Dear Leader a fucking moron. In fact, Americans are calling him a total moron. (We Canadians weren't sure of the totality of it back then.)

Crittenden went on:

But I would still like to know where the Canadians, the French and the Germans in particular were when we needed them in Iraq ... if only to get out of the way. In fact, we could use a lot more troops in Iraq right now. More to the point, the Iraqis could use a lot more troops. They could also use the knowledge that the world actually gives a damn and is willing to stand with them, rather than always against us.

OK, no more quoting this idiot. Everyone go pee before you have an accident.

Needed us?! OK, maybe his meds are too powerful. Why weren't we in Iraq? I'll try to keep the words small.

No proof of the claims made by Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld and Powell. Weird "mushroom cloud" pronouncements by Rice. No evidence that Saddam was capable of actually presenting a threat to anyone in the Middle-East. Invading other countries for reasons other than self-defence or the defence of others is illegal.

Trying to shift all of this to the Iraqis won't work. We're all smarter than that. The only reason Iraq is in the mess it is today is because the US invaded it. Pure and simple. Everything that's happening in Iraq now is the fault of the United States government, aided and abetted by Britain, Australia and several smaller countries who were duped by Bush falsehoods. Even ignoring that, Bushco turned Iraq and Afghanistan into monumental cock-ups.

Is this where I say, "TOLD YOU SO"?

Just so Crittenden gets this, let's make it clear that everyone who held up their hands, Americans, Canadians, French and Sammarinese, and said, "Don't do it. You'll fuck it all up." were right. Crittenden's vitriol comes not from a position of success, but in an attempt to find a place to lay blame for, ahem, failure. Bush is a failure, (and a moron, not that there is necessarily any linkage between the two, but in this case it does work), his administration is a failure and those who cheered him on are sharing in his failure. (I was going to suggest that Bush's strategy was a failure but then... you can't have a failure in something that doesn't exist.)

Crittenden, in his own special way, is making it clear that those wealthy democracies, (not the greatest countries on earth) which didn't join the US in its Great Crusade in Iraq should seriously consider doing so now. Why? Because he, (and the moron) have come to the realization that the US cannot fuck up the entire world on its own. It needs help!

Now, before anyone gets carried away with me taking a deserved swipe at Crittenden and accuses me of being anti-American, let me provide a little soothing illumination.

Crittenden does not represent the US to me. In fact, he does a pretty poor job of representing Boston. I like Americans. I just don't like their current president nor most of his administration. I'm quite sure I could point at a few past Canadian prime ministers and many Americans would join me in a collective Yewwwwwwwww! Maudit!! (Well, OK. A Cajun might add the "maudit", but anyway...)

I even like Bostonians. That's the problem with Crittenden. We have a tendency to gauge all Americans on the scribbling of their deluded scribes and half-witted pundits. With a great number of American friends, I know the public media side is not the American persona.

Now, I will admit that during my few visits to Boston I came away rather blase about the place. That's probably because I do have my favourite places in the United States.

I have to admit to a special fondness for San Diego. While I actually lived there for a while, the place has special meaning to me, if for no other reason that a long time ago a lissome young lady from La Jolla taught me that sex studying in the backseat of a Corvair at Balboa Park while listening to the Beach Boys on 1230 AM was only one of the reasons San Diego should be known as America's Finest City.

Years later I returned to serve on exchange with the US Navy only to learn that Corvairs in the US had suffered the same fate as the Canadian models and we were now using them as anti-submarine warfare targets. The squadron commander used to look quizzically at me when, after a sonar contact was reported, I would announce, not without some nostalgia, that I was glad we were still using them for.... "research". But I digress...

It was San Diego where I came to realize something quite profound. Most Americans are just nice people. While I wasn't much interested in pursuing "The American Dream", I developed strong friendships and shared a sense of political sameness with many of those friends. They couldn't understand why I called Disneyland "headquarters" but that's another story.

Interestingly enough, San Diego still produces people who share my point of view. Amazingly, this particular San Diegan, whom I admire for his Iditarod-class Basset Hounds, also had something to say about Crittenden's bizarre columns.

It's easy to criticize the population of the US for the results of the 2004 presidential elections, but that's somewhat ingenuous. We do that while forgetting and dismissing our own past political mistakes. And, if we have anything in common with Americans it is that promises during an election campaign suffer from a similar form of maleability.

Amongst my possessions, (I don't do "prized" possessions), are such bits of memorabilia as: a 52 page US security clearance signed by Ronnie Raygun; a citation from the US Navy for... gawd knows what; pictures of the San Diego Zoo's orangutans; beer glasses from Dick's Last Resort; the left-rear window crank from a 1964 Corvair; and, a picture of US General H. Norman Schwarzkopf and British General Peter de la Billiere with me, amongst several others, in the shot.

Oh yeah. The 1991 Gulf War. Crittenden probably forgot that part. Granted, I was there specifically for a particular linguistic capability, but I particularly remember when the thing ended. We didn't go to Baghdad. We stopped. Canadians, British, Saudis and even Americans. We all thought we should go to Baghdad but Schwarzkopf was adamant. We had accomplished the mission and, if we were to go into Iraq, in his view, we'd still be trying to manage the place 10 years later.

We were satisfied with that. We could go home.

Hell, almost everybody was satisfied with that.

"I would guess if we had gone in there, I would still have forces in Baghdad today. We'd be running the country. We would not have been able to get everybody out and bring everybody home.

"And the final point that I think needs to be made is this question of casualties. I don't think you could have done all of that without significant additional U.S. casualties. And while everybody was tremendously impressed with the low cost of the (1991) conflict, for the 146 Americans who were killed in action and for their families, it wasn't a cheap war.

"And the question in my mind is how many additional American casualties is Saddam (Hussein) worth? And the answer is not that damned many. So, I think we got it right, both when we decided to expel him from Kuwait, but also when the president made the decision that we'd achieved our objectives and we were not going to go get bogged down in the problems of trying to take over and govern Iraq."

That was said in 1992. Perhaps the Boston ass-hat can tell us who said it.

Oh, no, forget it. He doesn't do research all that well.

OK, well, it was this guy. The voice is the then Secretary of Defense, Dick Cheney, taped in 1991.
Ass-hats, morons and liars. One at the Boston Herald, one at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, one at No. 1 Observatory Circle. It's why I prefer the company at Patrick's in San Diego.